i’m here driving alone. i look off to the side of the road. it’s sunset. the trees appear red in this light. the sky is filled with pastel rainbows. i see deer grazing in golden fields. nature finds a way to fit the aesthetic. i need to listen to that one song. i usually feel sad when i hear it. but something tugs at my heart to put it on. it just feels right.

i never knew what love was until we arrived. your head was in my lap. you’d normally refuse to close your eyes in the middle of the day, in fear that the day would go to waste. but, somehow, someway, maybe you were too tired, or too relaxed. your eyelids fluttered shut and your breathing evened out. i looked down from my book and watched you rise and fall. it was then i understood. i wanted to capture this moment and store it in a picture frame. to stay here as long as possib

i always brush my teeth, wash my face, put my contacts in, weigh myself, do my skincare, and put on clothing for my morning walks. today i did this, and i will do it all again tomorrow. i need to start being careful. i brushed my teeth so hard, and my mind wandered, when i suddenly hit the part of my tongue underneath that connects it to the bottom. i’m not sure what it’s called. anyways… it didn’t hurt, but it surprised me. i didn’t think anything was wrong until i noticed b

burn me. i don’t care about what i wear, things said in remembrance, or songs that are played for me. it will all probably be wrong anyways burn me. take the ashes to a field of wildflowers, and lay me down. i want to spend eternity among them, gazing at the clouds speeding by. leave me be. that was one of my favorite things to do, when i was alive. so, i wouldn’t mind doing that for eternity. fuck the rest.

i just wanted to live a little happier i can’t understand. i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to understand.

i always found comfort in watching others play games. it’s raining again. i’ve been stressed and sad. i woke up at 3am. slept again at 12am. woke up at 5am. so, instead of thinking or sleeping about emptiness again. here i sit. holding a pillow, waiting for someone else’s jump scare to make my heart skip. maybe, i really like the reminder that my heart is still there.

i suppose the romantic in me never actually left, but adapted. was i really so awful that no one could find it in themselves to love me? ever? did i deserve to be treated in such a way by them? i'm sad for the younger me who knows nothing of love and to be touched. who felt she didn’t even need to care, and would always remain alone. she stuffed her hair into ponytails until pieces departed. slipped into baggy clothes until they fit her perfectly. stopped starving herself an

it is not the many bruises and scratches up and down my legs. it’s not the time i got pricked with needles or bitten by a dog. when i hit my knees on the ground more than i can count. pain was never something i could comprehend, but to me, a feeling, that should be expressed given the situation. in those moments, i only remember after. looking in the mirror as blood ran out from my mouth after i bit the bottom of my tongue. i didn’t feel a thing. but, i can say that i think i

the wind and the moon whisper to me. i hear them even now. my window is open, and a slight mutter enters the room. they rarely disturb me, and comfort me when they find the time. i gaze at the moon as it makes faces. the wind tells me how the moon howls, too, sometimes. i think it is not the sun that the moon was made for. but for the wind who often finds companionship in the darkness. the wind travels far hoping to reach its distant soulmate. while the moon hovers trying to

i normally spend a night like tonight outside. i fill ears with music. they don’t know they probably save my life. the air smells crisp and cool. it has a special scent of night that i find comforting. my eyes water from pollen and things my nose itches to inhale. the smells and cold air travel from my window and embrace me. if i weren’t a girl. if i didn’t have to worry about sickness. i’d leave it open and let every aspect of the night take me away. i lay in my bed and gaze

i had a dream my heart had been ripped from my being and stitched between my breasts with a temporary replacement. when will I get it back?

i find peace in these little moments. i seek these everyday. from the quiet of the evening while looking at the moon as i come home from another gig. to the golden hour walks where i inhale everyone’s evening dinners, as i pass by. moments of serenity that remind me of my sentience. nothing matters in these moments. i can inhale, and exhale, without worry of the days behind or ahead of me. it’s rare for me to enjoy these things. but, I will try.

that chord got plucked once again. now, here i am, on a beautiful day, crying. watching the clouds while choking on sobs. my lungs gasping for air between hiccups. how can people be so cruel? i tried finding beauty in everyday. it's always in a peaceful moment that it hits me.

I’m still here.

my love comes like rain.

Think of leaving as another one of my adventures.

It’s not always one particular moment.

I slip off my shoes, and tiptoe to the pavilion.

I only ask that now and then, you think of me.

interlude #1