it’s been a while since i’ve felt human. a long time without feeling. hours, minutes, days, and nights man, time sure flies why can’t i? i can’t remember the last time i’ve eaten. kind of hungry but the mirror is crying. i passed out last night. then i woke up feeling light. is that alright? it must be nice, to seem so kind, ask for my time, but leave my side. i look you in the eyes, say never mind, i’m feeling fine. how are you? how long until i get over it? seems like i’m

i miss him so much. it suddenly hit me while watching a sad video. it happens now and again. i cried and sobbed. all i want is for him to come sit next to me and look up at my face. i can feel the emptiness in my heart. the longing to hug him and inhale his scent one last time. the tears don’t stop for quite some time. my new friends come by and cheer me up. i love them dearly too. but the ache in my heart does not fade. to ease the loneliness, i remember that he wouldn’t wan

it has always fascinated me the way memories work. everything before this memory is black and then my consciousness was thrust into existence. at this moment, even now, i remember bits and pieces after it. it was like at this moment i opened my eyes for the first time. all i remember is running up to the swing set at the park in front of my neighborhood. i was with my mom, and someone was in my swing. i remember being upset because i was the type of child who didn’t like it w

i see a dog in the clouds. that’s cool because i like puppies. i have two dogs. i love them more than anything in this world. i see a smiley face in the clouds. that’s cool because i like to smile. smiles are contagious. i love feeling happy, but it doesn’t happen often. i see a tree in the clouds. that’s cool because the trees are bigger than me. they are fun to climb on and have pretty blossoms. i love trees that make the air feel cleaner. i see a perfect cloud. i hate perf

i spun in my dress with my hands in the air. my little hands reaching through the trees to grasp at the clouds. then, the boys ran up to me. they told me how ugly I was. that i was fat. then the spit on my dress, and threw dirt on me. and i never felt pretty again.

you don’t understand. i am so happy, and i can’t explain why. i feel like singing at the top of my lungs. i feel like dancing around. i am listening to music that i normally don’t. i am thinking about bright colors and cute animals. i smile at strangers. i even laughed in the middle of class. i ate healthily and worked out. i had the energy to do things i normally can’t. i walked in the sunshine for the first time in weeks. i ate something sweet, and didn't feel guilty about

what face is real? you show me your mask for every occasion. there’s the one for family events. both for informal and formal family events. the one in the mirror. working for both business and connection based projects. on and off switches. but, the switch moves almost seamlessly it seems to me, however, you’ve been in a constant state of panic. running from what? to rise above, is to fall. to be graceful, is to be seen in sin by others. to embrace the light, you must live in

it’s a familiar scene. in this bed. in this room. the smells. the distant voices. lying here feeling the way i do. looking in the same places. why do i always feel my worst here? yet, i feel so comforted. i don’t want to leave. happiness, maybe. nostalgia, possibly. renewed, yet i feel gross from the journey. refreshed, but i might need another shower. stomach raging. heart heavy in my chest. body aching for neglect. as if everytime i enter this place, i must face the truth o

excuse yourself. splash water on your face breathe in. count to 3. hold it. count to 3. breathe out. count to 3. repeat until calm splash water on your face again. return when your face has resumed it’s position

i once wanted a big fight. i refused to accept my grace. i wanted to paint their names on the walls to show them what they did. the terrible thing i had to become, and the person who was then destroyed. i’ve mentioned pain before, but there are all kinds. revenge and remembrance are of a different kind. then, i look in the mirror. scared. swollen. tired of keeping the peace. fighting battles everyday. waging war to break a smile. i know nothing of other’s pain, but i know my

i’m here driving alone. i look off to the side of the road. it’s sunset. the trees appear red in this light. the sky is filled with pastel rainbows. i see deer grazing in golden fields. nature finds a way to fit the aesthetic. i need to listen to that one song. i usually feel sad when i hear it. but something tugs at my heart to put it on. it just feels right.

i never knew what love was until we arrived. your head was in my lap. you’d normally refuse to close your eyes in the middle of the day, in fear that the day would go to waste. but, somehow, someway, maybe you were too tired, or too relaxed. your eyelids fluttered shut and your breathing evened out. i looked down from my book and watched you rise and fall. it was then i understood. i wanted to capture this moment and store it in a picture frame. to stay here as long as possib

i always brush my teeth, wash my face, put my contacts in, weigh myself, do my skincare, and put on clothing for my morning walks. today i did this, and i will do it all again tomorrow. i need to start being careful. i brushed my teeth so hard, and my mind wandered, when i suddenly hit the part of my tongue underneath that connects it to the bottom. i’m not sure what it’s called. anyways… it didn’t hurt, but it surprised me. i didn’t think anything was wrong until i noticed b

burn me. i don’t care about what i wear, things said in remembrance, or songs that are played for me. it will all probably be wrong anyways burn me. take the ashes to a field of wildflowers, and lay me down. i want to spend eternity among them, gazing at the clouds speeding by. leave me be. that was one of my favorite things to do, when i was alive. so, i wouldn’t mind doing that for eternity. fuck the rest.

i just wanted to live a little happier i can’t understand. i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to understand.

i always found comfort in watching others play games. it’s raining again. i’ve been stressed and sad. i woke up at 3am. slept again at 12am. woke up at 5am. so, instead of thinking or sleeping about emptiness again. here i sit. holding a pillow, waiting for someone else’s jump scare to make my heart skip. maybe, i really like the reminder that my heart is still there.

i suppose the romantic in me never actually left, but adapted. was i really so awful that no one could find it in themselves to love me? ever? did i deserve to be treated in such a way by them? i'm sad for the younger me who knows nothing of love and to be touched. who felt she didn’t even need to care, and would always remain alone. she stuffed her hair into ponytails until pieces departed. slipped into baggy clothes until they fit her perfectly. stopped starving herself an

it is not the many bruises and scratches up and down my legs. it’s not the time i got pricked with needles or bitten by a dog. when i hit my knees on the ground more than i can count. pain was never something i could comprehend, but to me, a feeling, that should be expressed given the situation. in those moments, i only remember after. looking in the mirror as blood ran out from my mouth after i bit the bottom of my tongue. i didn’t feel a thing. but, i can say that i think i

the wind and the moon whisper to me. i hear them even now. my window is open, and a slight mutter enters the room. they rarely disturb me, and comfort me when they find the time. i gaze at the moon as it makes faces. the wind tells me how the moon howls, too, sometimes. i think it is not the sun that the moon was made for. but for the wind who often finds companionship in the darkness. the wind travels far hoping to reach its distant soulmate. while the moon hovers trying to

i normally spend a night like tonight outside. i fill ears with music. they don’t know they probably save my life. the air smells crisp and cool. it has a special scent of night that i find comforting. my eyes water from pollen and things my nose itches to inhale. the smells and cold air travel from my window and embrace me. if i weren’t a girl. if i didn’t have to worry about sickness. i’d leave it open and let every aspect of the night take me away. i lay in my bed and gaze